Sex Education, Radical Self Love, Healing & Pleasure
My story. Oof. When Bronwyn invited me to write this blog I found myself feeling extremely vulnerable and thinking of a million excuses as to why I can’t. I told her I can write an article about what critical sex ed is - APA citations, informative, etc. To me, to intellectualize is safe. An article sounds way more interesting, right? No, she said. That is not the purpose of our blog. People want to hear your story. My story? F*ck….. fine. I got this. Turns out Bronwyn, my best friend for over 10 years, is great at reminding me to walk the talk and step into my power. Thank you for the push Bronwyn.
Photo by ian dooley on Unsplash
The story of how I came to be a sex(uality) educator and how I came to value pleasure and teach critical gender and sexuality education...oh, and start my own business - RE/SCRIPTED. Wild. Ok, deep belly breaths.
Like many folks, I have come to my work as a sex educator as the result of trauma. As a survivor of sexual assault and interpersonal relationship violence I am still working to find my way back to myself, back to my body, back to pleasure. My desires as a sex educator are not only to prevent sexual violence but uplift the magic of healthy, satisfiable, and safe sexual experiences. To start, I did not experience or have access to any formal comprehensive sex education - most people don’t. Also like many youth, my sex education came from media where sex is taught as something to be afraid of or consumed by. The lessons I learned were not only informed by societal messaging but my own familial and cultural experiences and values.
“My sex education came from media where sex is taught as something to be afraid of or consumed by. ”
I was raised in a big loving Catholic and incredibly well intentioned family. Both in my family and in school, sex was not explicitly discussed and if so, it was fear-based, centering danger and protection. I distinctly remember the gendered ways in which conversations floated - “girls” were to be “protected” while for “boys” sex was “expected.” Sex was also taught in more subtle ways, educators call this the hidden curriculum: the spoken and unspoken knowledges that circulates. I remember casual and overt sexist and sexual remarks, non-consensual touch by relatives and peers, confident beliefs about “success” - the escalator of life - date, marry, have kids, etc. Sex and “viginity” was understood as something to “get over with” - a part of a larger scripted storyline and taken for granted truth. I was never taught that sex were to be ejoyable - a pleasureable exchange between consenting people. Sex was understood as a prescribed process - a moving towards something… something risky. Sex was meant for reproduction - not pleasure, and no surprises here - was understood as painfully heteronormaitve. My more fluid, non-binary sexuality was repressed, flattened, silenced - and instead filled with uncritical, inauthentic, and unsatisfying binary fantasies. Masturbation was understood as gross, dirty, and only appropriate for boys/men. To please someone else, not to please oneself. The body, my body, was meant for others, not me - a currency in exchange for social capital, others desires and objectification.
Sexuality is not something youth just “age into”; it is a fundamental aspect of being human. Youth are curious, we need to talk to them and lead with pleasure. Youth (and everyone!), should have access to medically accurate, pleasure-centered, anti-oppressive, identity and body affirming sex education. Youth (and everyone!) deserve to intimately know, feel good, and be autonomous in their bodies. Pleasure is paying attention and being fully present in yourself and the world around you. It is about tapping into an inner knowing, a trust and love for your own body - creating. It is about affirming, valuing and respecting other bodies. Normalizing pleasure not just in sexual activity, but in life and relationships prepares people for a safer, more satisfying, pleasurable life.
As I work to subvert damaging messages about sex(uality) with a critical and pleasure-centered approach to sex education, I turn to and draw from my experiences teaching and learning from youth and brilliant guides/scholars like adrienne maree brown and Sonya Renee Taylor. As I have shared, along my journey I have learned to center pleasure. I am learning how to feel good in my body - not only sexually, but to feel whole, to be at peace with my body. I have come to understand that living bravely and pleasurably in our bodies influences others to do the same - is the most radical thing we can do. I start by listening to youth and their caring adults to design sex education curriculum that is meaningful and realistic.
“Pleasure is paying attention and being fully present in yourself and the world around you. It is about tapping into an inner knowing, a trust and love for your own body - creating.”
Pleasure is not a luxury, pleasure is a birthright. We are all working to find our way back to ourselves, to love and cherish our bodies. I want to continue to help folks along this journey as I have been helped along mine - to shed the harmful, fear-based and exclusive messages about sex. I want everyone, youth and adults, my loved ones, and my kids one day to have access to and experience sex education that is real talk and rooted in equity and justice. A re/scripted sex education that we all long for but have yet to experience.
Caitlin Long is a consultant with Boost as well as a sex-educator and educational consultant. She is the co-owner and founder of the company RE/SCRIPTED a feminist education consulting practice that advances a critical feminist consciousness within educational curricula, programs, and projects. Caitlin also offers weekly sex ed workshops to youth and adults in Denver, CO. For more information about what she does and her company go to http://re-scripted.com.