Is it Complaining, Venting, or Processing?
We all have been through so much these last two years. And how we have shown up for ourselves and others has varied. I’ve noticed that folks are struggling with managing the emotions of others. So, I thought it could be helpful to break-down the difference between complaining, venting, and processing—as I’ve heard them used synonymously.
“Complaining is one of the ego’s favorite strategies for strengthening itself.”
When it comes to complaining, we are sharing struggles, issues, and emotions with an air of judgment. Complaining involves blaming someone or something else for the way we feel. We are naming our struggle and sending the accountability of our struggles elsewhere. We feel there is a clear(ish) answer/solution but that it lies outside of our control. We are blaming external factors for the tough emotions. After we complain we are, commonly, left with feeling the same emotions just dulled/numbed. But a common by product of complaining is helplessness. We feel we can’t change what has happened (hence the blame). We are trying to absolve ourselves of any accountability. Complaining leads to drama, gossip, and toxicity. We are trying to connect, but it’s not connection based upon our values. We’re actually “hot-wiring connection” by trying to get more people on our side (learn more about hot-wiring connection in Brené Brown’s work). There is a clear argument, and we feel we need others to agree with us.
Photo by Karen Uppal on Unsplash
When it comes to exploring venting, this is stream of consciousness sharing. We are letting out all of the intensity that is on the inside, out into the world. We are not necessarily looking for solutions. We are aware of the helplessness we feel. We are hoping by letting it out, we will feel better. With venting, we aren’t necessarily taking accountability for the role we play or the choice/agency we have. We are sending the issues out into the outside world, but not necessarily getting anything from it. When we finish our venting, we can still feel helplessness. But the weight of what was inside, is usually no longer weighing on us. When we vent, these same issues can pile back up because there’s not much awareness/integration with venting. It’s a release without reflection. We aren’t being intentional about working through the emotions we feel, we are focused on just getting them out of our bodies.
Now, processing has a different goal. Processing is the experience of exploring the tough emotions associated with the struggle as a way to reflect on and integrate the tough emotions. There may not be a solution, but we are able to feel relief as we explore, reflect, and engage with the struggles we are experiencing. We are doing this with someone else usually (a therapist, close friend, or boundaried family member). The person doesn’t need to solve anything for us—with processing we are needing a safe place not advice. And by them offering their empathy we are able to be seen in our struggle. We are able to get curious about cause, origin, and where to invest our energies (where we have choice in, seemingly, helpless situations). We aren’t necessarily seeking solutions or needing advice. We are wanting to work through the feelings—knowing that there are not simple solutions to complex problems.
Photo by Karen Uppal on Unsplash
Now that we have gone through the different versions of expressing turmoil and struggle. Here are some reflective questions you can ask yourself when sharing or exploring tough feelings, experiences, or circumstances:
What’s the goal of sharing my struggle? What are my needs?
What are my feelings while I sit in this struggle? How can I focus on those feelings and tend to them?
Where do I have choice? Where do I feel like I lack choice?
If there was an easy solution to this, it would be solved…so is focusing on a solution serving me or not serving me? And in what ways?
Be kind to each other! We all need more support and love right now.