Anger: Why It's Not Bad + How to Process It

photo by Simran Sood

I remember feeling shame about feeling angry. “That’s a ‘bad’ emotion” I would think to myself. I could feel the anger consume my body – locked jaw, tight stomach, clenched fists, loss of appetite, racing thoughts – and so much more. Anger in the body can feel overwhelming, like a tornado on the inside. Did feeling angry make me a mean or bad person? I would compare myself to the anger in my household as I was growing up. I would fear that I was “turning into them.” Then, one day while I was in a session with my therapist, she told me that my anger was showing up to protect me. “WHAT?!” I thought, “to protect me?!” But then I sat with that and reflected on my anger, and it made perfect sense. This was a huge reframe for me, helping me to change my perception. I was hearing that my anger is not bad, it’s helpful. This shift in thinking was a much-needed invitation for self-compassion. It helped me turn toward my anger, instead of avoiding it and pushing it away.

Anger is not a “bad” or “negative” emotion when we can process it in a constructive way.

I’m here to tell you, that if you feel angry, it is okay. Maybe take a deep breath (or two) and read that last sentence again. Anger is not a “bad” or “negative” emotion when we can process it in a constructive way. When anger shows up, and we feel it from head to toe, it is here to alert and protect us – to tell us something. Therefore, it is important to acknowledge anger when we feel it and pay attention to what it’s trying to say. Anger is a secondary emotion – meaning there is always a primary emotion underneath it such as pain, grief, sadness, betrayal, rejection, and on. When we feel angry, it’s an indication that we need to act in some way, to protect ourselves. This could look like speaking up, saying no, asking for what we need, saying yes, apologizing, asking for an apology, setting boundaries, forgiving, and the list goes on. So, what does it look like to process anger in a constructive and healthy way?

photo by Camila Quintero Franco

 When anger shows up, and we feel it from head to toe, it is here to alert and protect us – to tell us something.

First, it’s helpful to know a little bit about what happens in the brain and nervous system when we feel angry. When we have a stress response, known as fight, flight, freeze, and fawn, our prefrontal cortex goes “offline”, and we lose our logic and reasoning (think toddler having a tantrum). This response leaves us dysregulated (the opposite of feeling grounded and calm), and only operating in the lower part of the brain, the limbic system – aka survival brain or reptilian brain. We love Dr. Dan Siegel’s work on interpersonal neurobiology. (That was a very, very high-level explanation about what happens in the brain. We do a deep dive in our Workbook + Guide if you want to learn more.) Anger can fall into any of the four Fs – fight, flight, freeze, fawn. Some people scream and shout when they are angry, and some people shut down or leave. The reason why I am sharing this with you is because we cannot productively process our anger when we are dysregulated. We must calm down and get our prefrontal cortex back online so we can logically and rationally understand our anger. When I’m feeling angry and out of control, it’s helps me to intentionally breathe slowly and deeply, move my body (I like running or dancing), big, ugly cry, and/or journal to write out all of my angry thoughts. I’ve also punched pillows, screamed at the top of my lungs, and breathed like a lion. The point is to move the energy, because if we push it down and swallow it, it can become explosive later.

photo by Claudia Wolff

Once you feel grounded, you can reflect on the anger. Get curious about feeling angry and see if you can discover what lies beneath the anger. When we can uncover the primary emotion underneath our anger, we can take a deeper look at what is happening. It’s helpful to personify our anger. Practice by saying “I feel angry”, rather than, “I am angry.” You are not your emotions; your emotions come and go. Emotions are energy in motion, and it’s important to let them move freely in and out. When we ignore them or push them away, they get stuck and stagnant. This reminds me of my favorite quote by Pema Chödrön, “You are the sky. Everything else – it's just the weather.” When we personify anger, we can ask, “What is anger here to tell me? What do I need to know from my anger?” We can sit with our anger and listen, rather than being completely consumed by it. Give yourself some grace and be patient with this part of the process. It might take some time to learn and understand why our anger is showing up, and that’s okay.

“You are the sky. Everything else – it's just the weather.” —  Pema Chödrön

photo by Darius Bashar

To recap – anger is not bad or negative. It’s an emotion like all the others and it will come and go if we can feel it and process it. When you notice you are angry, acknowledge it. Say to yourself, “I feel angry.” Then, ground yourself. The two most effective ways to do this is to move your body and breathe intentionally. Imagine that you are feeling the anger in your body (notice where you are holding it – stomach, chest, shoulders), and as you move it, it is dissipating and releasing the grip it has on you. Then take some long, deep breaths. As you inhale, bring in peace, and as you exhale release the anger. Once you feel grounded, then reflect. What is anger trying to tell me? What is underneath my anger? What do I need in this moment? What action do I need to take? Lastly, comfort and accept yourself. Thank anger for showing up and trying to protect you. This is a very helpful practice for the more intense, heavier emotions that show up in our lives.

cover photo by Simran Sood