We figured since the holiday season is around the corner, we would focus on family this month. For me, the holidays can feel intense because of all the planning, gift giving and gatherings, so it’s important for me to check in with how I’m feeling before, during and after family events. When I think about the word family, several emotions come up such as joy, happiness, anxiety, fear, frustration and gratitude. I have a feeling I am not the only one who feels this way so in this blog, we will unpack how family can make us feel, the role we play around our family and some self-care tools to incorporate throughout the holiday season.

“When I think about the word family, several emotions come up such as joy, happiness, anxiety, fear, frustration and gratitude.”

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Family is important to me and I am passionate about it, especially now that I have started to build my own. With our daughter turning three months old and the celebration of our five-year anniversary underway, I feel grateful for the family my husband and I are creating. Trust, love, connection and community are aspects that I value most in our household. I strive to build healthy attachment and feel abundance in regard to the love and energy in our home. Unfortunately, these are not things I felt in my home growing up and my childhood is not something I am fond of remembering. However, with this awareness, I am able to break the cycle and manifest what family means to me. If you can relate to this feeling, it can be challenging to come back into a room with your family and not allow memories to seep into the present. We may begin to feel all kinds of emotions as the holiday season approaches and anticipation sets in overthinking how the day will unfold. Additionally, it is extremely common to slip right back into our old roles and patterns when we are around our family.

The Roles We Play

Although surprising, it is not uncommon to jump right back into the role we played in our home growing up when we are reunited with our family. This process usually happens unconsciously and can leave us feeling exhausted, overwhelmed and disappointed without knowing why. Think about it for a moment, what role did you play in your family nucleus? I was the oldest, so I jumped into the helper/doer role. I liked to think I was taking care of everyone and everything. I wanted to feel needed because that made me feel special and loved. Now when I am around my family, I pay special attention to my knee-jerk reaction to take care of everyone’s needs and I try to relax and observe instead. The challenge with this process is that your family is used to the role that you play and the role they play, so switching it up may throw everyone for a loop. That’s where having boundaries and communication comes into play.

“Although surprising, it is not uncommon to jump right back into the role we played in our home growing up when we are reunited with our family.”

Boundaries and Self-Care

Boundaries are what’s okay and what’s not okay and knowing what this means for you in advance is important. Actions and behaviors that trigger us and leave us feeling upset are a good place to start. For example, I decided to give up drinking during family functions because the alcohol made me too sensitive and would lead me to rehashing the past (talk about a downer!). This was a personal boundary for me and there are also times you may need to set boundaries with others. Often times, putting boundaries into place with family members means needing to have difficult, vulnerable and uncomfortable conversations. However, in doing so, we are practicing self-care. Self-care is important during the holiday season. Checking in with ourselves to make sure we are meeting our own needs is crucial to prevent burnout. Remember, it’s okay to start cultivating your own holiday traditions, instead of feeling obligated to continue doing what you did when you were younger to appease family members.

“Often times, putting boundaries into place with family members means needing to have difficult, vulnerable and uncomfortable conversations.”

Below are some of my favorite self-care tools for the holiday season:

- Commit to a timeframe. It’s okay to leave early.

- Reflect on the role you played in your family when you were younger. Notice (without judgement) the tendency to stay in that role.

- Practice mindfulness around your family. How are you feeling in your body? Breathe.

- Respond instead of reacting. Practice active listening.

- Journal before and after family gatherings.

- Communicate with your inner child (we all have one) before, during and after family gatherings. They like to take over when you are feeling triggered.

- Say no. It’s okay not to participate in family activities if you are not feeling up to it this year.

- Create your own new holiday traditions.

- Skip the booze, especially if you feel the need to drink around family.

- Communicate with your partner and make sure you are on the same page regarding plans. Remember, you are a team.

- Don’t overcommit, it creates resentment.

- Suggest doing a Secret Santa so you only have to buy one gift instead of several.

- Have a buddy, whether it’s your partner or another family member, so you have someone to check in with throughout the day.

- Remember the basics – sleep, water, exercise, nutrition and self-love.

- Slow down.

How do you take care of yourself during the holiday season? Share your tools below. Have questions regarding this blog? Feel free to leave a question and we will get back to you! Have a happy and peaceful holiday season.

Family During the Holiday Season