Letting Go. Grief within a Transition.

This year, in Denver, our bright colored fall was interrupted by several snow storms.  Green limbs and leaves were scattered on the road.  And I don’t know about you, but I felt robbed. Because now our “colorful” Colorado was 80 shades of brown for the next 8 months. “How unfair!!” I thought. My favorite season was not going to “plan.”

“How unfair! I thought. My favorite season was not going to ‘plan.’”

That’s the thing about transitions isn’t it (well life in general). Transitions are dramatic, and thus force us to feel. We’re grieving and letting go of what once was.  We’re reconciling our expectations.  We’re leaning into the fear of what is coming. We’re in transition.  We haven’t arrived. So our present reality is existing “in process.” How many of us are comfortable with this? I know I struggle with it, and my whole job is to guide people through the process.

So let’s talk about the grief for a second.  We know it’s normal to grieve the loss of something we enjoyed.  People who participate in a wedding often report that they grieve their wedding day after it ends.  When I’ve chatted with moms, I’ve observed (and experienced) similar grief.  We grieve the baby we pictured in our mind before we met them, the birth we thought we would have, the days of early motherhood, and the changes in our baby as they grow/evolve.  Additionally, I speak with a lot of college graduates who grieve their college experiences, friends, routines…This grief is EVERYWHERE.

Even if we transitioned out of something we disliked, there exists a process of grieving what once was.  One would, initially, think that we would feel hopeful to move on.  And well, that’s partly true.  For instance, we can all agree that the 90-degree weather of this summer was getting to us, but we’re also not necessarily looking forward to the shorter days, dryer skin, and lower temperatures. Or you often hear people talk about leaving a job being “bittersweet,” even if they wanted the change.  Even so, we feel the grief and worry as time passes.

How do we stay present with the process when we know—or don’t know—what is coming? OOOO loaded question there!

Well the process is often grief.  And most of us avoid the grief of letting go what once was because grief hurts. It’s complicated and messy and…well it’s painful. So we instead we get angry, we avoid situations/people/feelings, and we tend to place blame. Anger, avoidance, and blame move us away from the feelings of grief.  And while those feelings feel more manageable in the moment, grief will continue to remind us it’s there. Even if it is a more simplistic form of grief.

Processing through grief means that we have to acknowledge its presence.  We have to tap in, go inside, and self-reflect.  That means we notice how our feelings are showing up. And then get curious about what these feelings may need. If it’s grief, it may show up as a knot in the stomach, or tension in the legs, or a closed throat. And then we can bring some love to that area by practicing some self-compassion and self-care. This could look like holding practicing a self-compassion gesture (hands over heart, throat, or stomach). Or drinking some tea.  Or asking for a hug. This takes some experimenting.  But notice how acknowledging the grief and then tending to that grief allows a release. This is a vulnerable way to show up for ourselves. And it can seem silly when we’re thinking about weather.  But it’s a beautiful opportunity to practice feeling grief, so when bigger grief enters our life, we feel resourced to process through it. 

Now, tuck in and take a nap…it’s time to hibernate.