I'll Just Do It
I’ve been promising to write this blog for the last six months and found myself avoiding it. I think it’s because of a few factors: the idea definitely hits home, COVID has been very distracting, and being a mom and business owner takes up a lot of time. But I’m here and excited to discuss this very emotional and personal experience with you all. I hope you find some validation, support, and new ideas to try.
Photo by Jordan Whitfield on Unsplash
The “I’ll just do it” phenomenon is one that definitely creates a lot of issues for one’s mental health and personal relationships. This phenomenon is the outcome of fear/shame/anxiety around delegating tasks to others. We think “This needs to get done” and instead of asking our community for help, we say “I’ll just do it.” In the immediate moment, it makes us feel in control. It makes us feel we are productive. It makes us feel like we have purpose/meaning. And in some cases, it can make us feel worthy. I really relate to the last one (I’m a 2 on the enneagram—learn more about that here). I can get into a seductive cycle of feeling my self-worth is enmeshed with productivity, success, and praise. And the “I’ll just do it” phenomenon feeds right into this perfectionistic wound. This is an unconscious process. When I’m working to be aware, I find that my “I’ll just do it” comes from a place of deep anxiety. I want to make sure the task gets done “right.” Making it done right is about being in control. I don’t have to trust others. Also, I naturally tend to be more self-reliant and industrious (and you may be too). I rely heavily on myself and struggle with receiving help from others.
“When we get it done, the task can be invisible to others.”
Photo by Azzedine Rouichi on Unsplash
Which leads, beautifully, into how “I’ll just do it,” can also build resentment in relationships. When I feel the need to control, I don’t let others try. I’m more focused on it being done right, perfect, quickly, and efficiently. I move into a position of self-righteousness and I simultaneously feel resentment towards those around me for not reading my mind or prioritizing the task as I would. Trust is a key word here. It feels like it takes more energy to practice trusting than it would for me to just get it done.
I hear you…what if I engage in trust, ask someone to do it, and then it doesn’t get done? This probably happens a lot in family systems that have established a pattern that relies heavily on one person to get certain tasks completed. This can also show up in the workplace. That one person who always raises their hand to pick up the slack. Or the leader that everyone relies very heavily on. When we get it done, the task can be invisible to others. The laundry always gets folded. The trash gets taken out. The report gets sent. The task gets done, so there is usually not a mess that is seen by others. This superhero mentality makes us feel depended upon. But let’s say you’re out sick, or need a vacation, or have a tough day? If no one else knows what you have been doing or how you are doing it, systems can quickly deteriorate (both in the household and at the workplace).
The “I’ll just do it” phenomenon could also be the outcome of exercising the fawn response. You know the fight, flight, flee responses but most have not heard of fawn—I definitely hadn’t until getting into this work. The fawn response is the appeasing—or conflict avoidant—survival response. We peace-keep in order to make things in our external world feel safe. When things feel safe in our external world, our internal world also feels safe. In the day to day it can look like: taking care of others before yourself, cleaning, being a “people pleaser,” or perfectionistic tendencies. It can feel like it takes care of the immediate threat, but it doesn’t necessarily serve us long term.
So, what does it mean to delegate? It means I practice creating space and offering support to allow others to complete tasks they are fully qualified to complete. I allow them to find their way and use their creative processes to own their responsibilities and duties. Internally, this means that I have to build a sense of safety that a process being done a different way does not mean that I’m being harmed or threatened. It’s creating internal space for mistakes to occur, so others can learn, appreciate the difficulty of a task, and grow in an organic way. This also means that we have to interrupt the desire to micromanage, grade, or control the process. It doesn’t mean we step away and let someone fail or flail. We can be supportive, encouraging, curious, and boundaried.
“We peace-keep in order to make things in our external world feel safe.”
Here are some things to experiment with:
All change starts with awareness. So first we need to strengthen our ability to see, feel, and notice. A great way to do this is to start integrating mindfulness practices throughout your day. These should only take 20 seconds-5 minutes (at max). Definitely integrate these as bookends (one in the morning and at night). And work to layer or associate them with things you’re already doing. Making coffee, brushing teeth, daily walk, lunch, commuting. These can be as simple as a breath exercise. Shaking leaf is one of our favorites. Or just two minutes of tapping into your senses: what is it that I see, taste, feel, hear, smell?
When you feel the urge to take over a project, take a pause. Calibrate/recalibrate how you are feeling inside. Do something regulating (ex. a mindfulness exercise, breath work, movement, a hug, drinking a sip of water). Then after you create a sense of internal safety with a regulating activity, look at the project or task again and see if it still has the same urgency. If it does, what portion of it needs to be done by you and what portion could be done by someone else?
Acknowledge that it is hard for you to ask for help with those who are around you most frequently (a boss, a colleague, a partner, a roommate), and tell them that you are working on it. Share with them that this may mean that you show up a little different as you work to start delegating things you used to do yourself. This creates predictability, starts to change the expectations in the relationship, and gives space for experimentation.
Explore what things you’re willing to let go of. This will mean letting go of how they are done or the outcome that you get. For example, if you are more mellow about how the bed is made, ask your partner to do it in the morning. Show your kiddo how to make their own bed, knowing that you will need to let go of straight sheets or tidy pillows. When you can prep your nervous system for a different outcome, those changes will feel less threatening to you and your emotional self. Start small. Experiment with handing off tasks that are not complex or high stakes. See how it goes. Remind yourself, that these are not life or death.
Start to alter your story from “I get things done” to “I’m a leader” or “I’m a coach.” Asking yourself when you find yourself at a crossroads of doing it or delegating, “What would a coach/leader do?”
Come back to your values. What do you value? Community? Family? Collaboration? What behaviors align with those values?
Photo by Bernard Hermant on Unsplash
Now, this is not going to be a perfect process. But this whole blog is about trying to give ourselves, and others, space to explore. There will be hiccups, missed deadlines, messy houses, irritation, melt-downs, conflict, and errors. This is how growth happens. Love yourself through them and let us know how it goes!