People Pleasing
Many folks come into our practice with the hope of dismantling their people pleasing strategies. They are tired of feeling like their agency is in the hands of others. And they want to feel the freedom of “caring less.” But if we are wanting to dismantle something, we first need to get to know it better, and understand the purpose that it does serve. By knowing that we can then work to still get that purpose/need served without having to use that particular strategy. So here are some new ways to examine the people pleasing strategy, and some possible ways to start the dismantling process.
“When you people please you are working to control other people’s opinions of you by performing in a way that has been deemed as appealing, approachable, and lovable. ”
What purpose(s) does people pleasing serve? People pleasing has many purposes that go beyond having people like you. People pleasing is a strategy that has been reinforced as maintaining a sense of emotional safety and belonging within crucial social/familial spaces. When you were are child, people pleasing most likely was reinforced by caregivers, teachers, and peers in a plethora of ways. For example, when you acknowledged and tended to others’ needs, you most likely received confirmation that you were enough and that you belonged. You were called “nice” or “sociable.” You were invited to gatherings or celebrated publicly through praise. Because of that, you most likely associated the belonging and your enough-ness with the behavior of prioritizing the needs of others’ over your own. These are very strong connections and associations that were reinforced over and over again for years. And because the strategy stabilized something as developmentally crucial as “worth” and “belonging,” it became automatic. This means, that you don’t have to think about engaging in people pleasing before you do it. So, most likely you don’t notice it in the moment when you’re doing it. It’s in its aftermath where it feels more visible or consequential. Therefore, if you are going to work on dismantling your people pleasing strategy, you have to replace it with something that can also prioritize feeling a sense of belonging and experiencing your worth.
So, what are the negative consequences of people pleasing? The needs of others are prioritized over your own, which can build resentment in relationships. People pleasing also discredits that you have needs that others may need to help meet. Furthermore, when you people please, you reject yourself. You are deeming yourself less worthy if/when others don’t like you or your behavior. Additionally, when used unconsciously and consistently, it becomes harder to experience validation from yourself because you have become highly dependent on experiencing validation from others. People pleasing is not an authentic expression of who you are. In that way, you have to manipulate yourself in order to make yourself seem more appealing, approachable, lovable to others. So, people pleasing is actually a form of manipulation. You might have gasped reading that last sentence. But hear me out…when you people please you are working to control other people’s opinions of you by performing in a way that has been deemed as appealing, approachable, and lovable. So, you are manipulating someone’s opinion of you by not showing up as your truest self. This doesn’t make you a bad person! It’s a strategy that has been reinforced over and over again that has worked in feeling emotionally safe and secure.
So how do we change it? If we want to reroute a default strategy (i.e. a practice/behavior that supports a basic need that is consistently rehearsed and reinforced), we have to practice a new strategy that supports the same basic needs the default supports. As mentioned before, people pleasing supports belonging and worth. Both of these needs are required to be a balanced and stable human on this planet. Subsequently, we can’t just take away “people pleasing” and imagine that you will remain balanced and stable. So, you have to ask yourself: what other strategies make me feel balanced and stable? This could be an act of self-care (moving your body, taking a break, eating something healthy, etc.). Or maybe a boundary is necessitated. You may need to say “no,” or share your limits in a vulnerable and kind way.
Let’s play out a scenario. You are a high performer at work. You’re the first to raise your hand when a new task needs completing. Or you can identify when there could be a potential conflict, and you appease or compensate to avoid the conflict from rising to the surface. Or you know what your boss likes and can anticipate and respond to those needs without being asked. Or you ignore the needs you have (a break or a vacation) because you know that it would cause issues for others. Or any combination of these. In these examples, you are gaining a sense of belonging by doing what you believe others would like of you, so you can experience their acceptance. Self-sacrifice=belonging. And you are gaining a sense of self-worth by working hard and receiving recognition or validation for that hard work. Effort=enough-ness. As much as you would love these equations to be true, they are not a 100% guarantee. Just because you sacrifice your time and energy doesn’t mean that people will accept you. And no matter how much effort you put in, someone may not be able/willing to recognize your worth. But they have been reinforced that way.
“There’s something very addictive about people pleasing. It’s a thought pattern and a habit that feels really, really good until it becomes desperate.”
If you want to start making different choices, that don’t involve people pleasing, you need to stabilize self-acceptance (belonging) and self-love (worth). In order to do this, you have to SLOW DOWN. Like, slow WAY down. First, know what types of scenarios set-up people pleasing tendencies. Are there particular people and spaces where you see this tendency the most? This insight will help you interrupt unconscious/default reactions/responses.
Secondly do some grounding exercises before you enter into a space that triggers your people pleasing tendencies (i.e. breath work, a walk, etc.). Then when you are in that space, give yourself permission to make a different choice (i.e. don’t raise your hand, or say “no”) and understand that this different choice is going to make you feel emotionally uncomfortable because you won’t know how others may respond to your choice. Therefore, after you make that choice, it’s important to re-engage in something grounding (i.e. breath work, a walk). These grounding tools will reinforce stability and balance in your brain, showing your nervous system that you can feel stable and balanced in other ways. Now, these grounding tools are not going to be as stabilizing as people pleasing. People pleasing has been used consistently because it makes you feel stable in relationships and scenarios. But if you are wanting to change/evolve it means that you are consciously encouraging yourself to be okay with feeling uncomfortable. You have to show yourself that a certain amount of discomfort is manageable, so that you can support yourself in making different choices that serve you in a more complete way (i.e. strategies and choices that are in alignment with your values versus your fears). You have to teach the parts of you that manage threat (i.e. something in your immediate environment that could harm you), that someone being disappointed or frustrated doesn’t equate being harmed.
Thirdly, start experimenting with other strategies in low-risk scenarios. For instance, try to interrupt people pleasing in relationships that already have a lot of predictability, love, and understanding. Or start sharing your needs/preferences in small ways that have minimal costs. Pick a restaurant you actually like, versus saying “I don’t care.”
Lastly, be compassionate with yourself! You will use people pleasing again and again. There is no perfect process to dismantle this strategy. It’s very well-rehearsed and supportive to feeling belonging and worthiness. So, if you think back to a scenario where you made choices that prioritized people pleasing, versus being authentic, be kind to yourself. I encourage you to say: “I trust that my brain did what it felt was best to feel like I belong and feel like I am enough.” When we accept, we heal.