Relationship Hacks
Over the years, through experience in my own relationship and working with clients, I have learned a few things that can truly help the quality and longevity of a relationship. We will dive into three areas that can cause our relationships to suffer and deteriorate. The foundation of these three areas is self-awareness and communication. We need to know when we are getting upset and practice responding rather than reacting. We also need to be willing to have open and vulnerable conversations that feel safe and constructive with our partner. This takes practice and the courage to face our fears of rejection and abandonment. When we can face our fears and move through them, we essentially get out of our own way. The three areas we will look at include creating stories, expectations/assumptions and using words such as ‘always’ and ‘never’. Let’s jump into what it looks like when we create stories in our relationship.
Creating Stories
Ever ask your significant other to do something, such as help with cleaning around the house, and they don’t do it? Immediately, we start making up stories in our head about why they didn’t do what we asked. “They don’t care about me”, “they are lazy”, “they have more important things to do than help me” and on and on. As the fake story builds, we start to get angry and we begin believing our story. Next thing you know, our partner walks through the door and BOOM, we verbally attack them. “Why didn’t you help me clean today when I asked you?! Gosh, you are so lazy, and you never help me!” Now, our significant other feels attacked and becomes defensive. We haven’t even given them an opportunity to walk through the door, let alone ask them why they didn’t help. See how this isn’t a constructive way to communicate.
Photo by Scott McCormick
When we don’t have answers, we make them up. Unfortunately, because of what’s known as negativity bias, the stories we create tend to be fear-based, worst case scenario stories. The negativity bias is the phenomena where we give more psychological weight to bad experiences rather than good ones. We are great at remembering all the things that didn’t go well. When it comes to our relationship, we want to break this bad habit and practice communicating with our partner instead. Using the example above, we could have a conversation with our partner rather than pretending we know why they didn’t help. An example would be, “Hey honey. Remember when I asked if you could help me clean this weekend and you said yes? Well, when you didn’t help me it maybe me feel angry and hurt because what I need is for you to committ to what you say you’re going to do and feel supported in doing the house work. Is there a reason you didn’t help?” Give your partner the opportunity to speak for themselves and tell their own story. Communicating this way allows you to share how you are feeling, what you need and hear from your partner without attacking them.
Expectations and Assumptions
Having expectations of each other in a relationship is reasonable if they are communicated and agreed upon by both people. For example, my husband and I have agreed to no cell phones at the dinner table. We both came up with this expectation and we both agree it’s beneficial to our relationship. However, expectations that are in place that were not discussed prior can lead to an argument and even resentment. If you think to yourself, “I expect my partner to take me on a date for our anniversary.”, but you never communicated that with your partner, you are setting your partner up to fail. This is because it’s unfair to think our partner can read our minds. Same rules apply for making assumptions. “I assumed you knew I wanted to go on a date for our anniversary!” How would our partner know what we want, if we didn’t tell them? Practicing communicating what our needs are in a relationship is extremely healthy. Letting your partner know what you want, instead of making them guess, will prevent arguments.
Always and Never
In healthy relationships, both people are growing individually and together as a couple. Over time, we will both work on things we are trying to improve on in our life. However, because we are human, there are ups and downs along the way. Using words like ‘always’ and ‘never’ is meant to provoke, rather than reflect actual experience. It is often more a reflection of how we are feeling, rather than a representation of reality. If our partner has been trying to help around the house more in general, it’s helpful to acknowledge their change in behavior. Our partner may have an ‘off’ week and not help as much or at all. In this situation, it’s important to watch our words when we communicate with them. Saying things like, “You never help me!” or “You always say you’ll help and never do!” diminishes the efforts they’ve been making prior to the present moment.
Wrap Up
Remembering these relationship hacks will help prevent resentment with our significant other. Being self-aware enough to know when we are getting upset, allows us to pause and respond rather than react. When we can communicate openly and productively with each other, we build trust and love. No one wants someone to create stories about them. We want the opportunity to share our own story, even if it’s difficult to hear. Expectations should be discussed and agreed upon in the relationship. When we have expectations in place that we didn’t share with our partner, we are setting them up to fail. Assumptions are just as negative as creating a story, especially when we assume the worst. Lastly, using words like ‘always’ and ‘never’ negates any growth and efforts that have been made by our partner. When used they are hurtful, rather than the truth. I hope these relationship hacks helps you in communicating with your significant other. Feel free to share questions or comments below.