Becoming a Mother
When I became pregnant it was a surprise to my partner and I. We had embarked upon the journey of becoming parents with the mindset of, “let’s stop not trying and see what happens.” I have since connected with a lot of women who started their journey into motherhood the same way, and we find ourselves in conflict with: our families, our friends, other women, ourselves, society by needing to justify our choice. And then I talked with women who don’t want children, women who actively tried to get pregnant, women who miscarried and stopped trying, women who did in vitro, and others and their experience was similar: they also felt the need to justify their choice….
“Mothers need to be heard and celebrated. ”
So this process became curious to me. What messages are women receiving that encourage doing motherhood the “right way?”
First, where do they come from? They come from the media, from the stories our mothers/grandmothers/aunts/friends are willing to share, from consumer products, from our medical or mental health providers.
What are these messages?
- Do your research ahead of time because you don’t want to be ill prepared
- “Natural births” are better than medical assisted births (all births are natural btw)
- If you don’t have this snuggly, or this monitor, or this bra then you’re doing it wrong
- If you struggle with breastfeeding, then motherhood does not come naturally to you (boy this one is a doozy)
- If you aren’t blissfully happy after having your baby then there is something wrong with you
- LOSE THAT BABY WEIGHT
- Get back to work and be productive
- Don’t forget to please your partner/spouse
- And I could go on and on….(feel free to add any others to our comments section)
These messages can be damaging. They squash our natural way of learning, healing, and becoming the mothers WE want to be. They are white noise during a time that you feel cracked open, raw, and vulnerable. These messages seep in and prey on our fear and self-worth.
Mothers need to be heard and celebrated. They need the support they receive in the first 9 months of becoming a mother to exist in the years after the baby is born. We need to know that whatever feelings we are experiencing are valid, seen, and honored.
How do we do this?
- By sharing our stories.
- By airing out the stuff “we’re not supposed to say.”
- By listening to each other WITHOUT JUDGEMENT. WITHOUT INTERRUPTION. WITHOUT ADVICE.
- By destigmatizing mental health
- Through encouraging access to doulas, lactation support, and post-partum mental health
Let’s start redefining motherhood. Today. Together. So I’m going to start with my story. I hope it helps, and I hope it invites you to share your’s.
I wasn’t someone who loved the process of being pregnant. I’m not sure if that was truly my opinion (still figuring that out), but that was the opinion I was attached to at the time. But I found that other women wanted to connect with me while I was pregnant. They wanted to talk about pregnancy and birth. And what I learned is that most of us don’t really know how to do this. So we have a tendency to become invasive. We overshare, we touch someone’s body without permission, we warn (instead of support), we pass along unsolicited advice, and we do this in the hopes of building a connection with someone. Unfortunately, it usually has the opposite effect. But there’s no manual on connection. So as a pregnant women (with a master’s in counseling) I did my best to hear and see these women’s stories/advice/touch as an opportunity to validate their experience and move on. I did my best to let the stuff they were unloading on me, stay their’s and not become mine. I did an okay job at this most of the time, and the times I failed, my friends/family/partner brought me back to a grounded place.
The transformation of becoming a mom is the most raw experience I have ever undergone. After labor was over, it was as if a new part of me was born. And now it’s all about navigating this new me and this baby. There’s no manual or way. We’re making our path as we go. And it’s real damn messy.
I also discovered the distance I had built between “myself” and my intuition. I had thought myself a rather intuitive and empathetic individual. But after Finn was born, I felt broken and cracked open. All the other noise of my life had been silenced. And I could hear my intuition. And it was at that moment that I realized that my internal compass—my intuition—had over time become so quiet and weak. This realization only happened because of the processed of being stripped down to my basics. And I’m grateful for this. Was it hard? Was I mad at myself? Did I question myself and my ability to be a “good mother?” ABSOLUTELY. But I was grateful because birth brought me back to my intuition (no matter how dim it was). I was able to see it for what it was. I was then able to forgive myself for letting myself stray so far away from my intuition. And then I was able to start my journey on strengthening it.
How did I do that? I built compassion for myself. I built a mindfulness practice. I started being okay with falling down because I knew I could get back up. I asked for what I needed from my partner and my community. I had the courage to share and be vulnerable with other people. This is still a journey. I have not perfected this by any means. But I have found direction and purpose, and that feels good and true.
No blog, or book, or anecdotal piece of advice could do that for me. This journey is both incredibly personal and part of a larger thing/community/connection. And we don’t talk about it much.
.So an invitation...mommas let’s share our stories! Not the toxic shit. Let’s leave the unwanted advice and “just you waits.” They’re venom and get in the way of the real deal. Let’s listen, embrace, and connect. Let’s share our truths without judging or interrupting others’. Let’s redefine motherhood.
Have any awesome resources that need to be shared with other mamas? Share them below in our comments section! We’ll start to build a portfolio that can be accessed by anyone anywhere!