Getting Through the Holidays After Loss
The holidays are an emotionally charged time for so many reasons. We are managing the expectations of ourselves and others (e.g. presents). There is usually more alcohol and sugar consumption (hello inflammation!). There is a lot of frenzied energy in stores, workplaces, schools, and homes. And it’s a time when we have a lot of memories stored (primarily with family and friends), so our inner children (just like our actual children) are experiencing both rapturous joy and/or hesitant fear. This is the context that the holidays bring.
“The parts inside of you, that only came out when they were around, deserve to continue to live on. ”
Now, if you have recently had loss in your life, this loss is often magnified by this chaotic and charged context. You are trying to process the reality of someone no longer being present and those reminders show up more frequently and with more intensity. So, you will be noticing bigger feelings and frequent triggers. Our automatic tendencies, when facing such frequency and intensity, is to resort to numbing behaviors (i.e. drinking, oversleeping, over-eating, etc.). Below we are going to unpack some supports you can put in place to better support you and your grief through the holiday season:
Photo by Laura Beth Snipes on Unsplash
Awareness: Invite in a mindfulness practice. Mindfulness is about being aware on purpose. If we have more awareness of the emotions that are showing up, we create more intentional space to respond to them. Common emotions that show up during grief are: anger, despair, regret, denial, numbness, helplessness, hopelessness, joy, blame, and nostalgia. The more we can be looking out for these emotions, the more we are able to respond and tend to them in ways that serve us as a whole. Otherwise, our automatic responses (aka numbing behaviors), will take over.
Ritual: Ritual is a wonderful way to offer space to the grief we are experiencing. For example, go to places/spaces that hold joyful memory for you and the one you lost, bring a journal, and invite reflection. What do you remember? How were you feeling? How do you feel now you imagine that space in the present moment? Rituals are a way to be creative and connect with your body and sensations. If you’re struggling with a place to start, connect with the elements: earth, air, fire, or water. Maybe you write down regrets you hold or sticky emotions and then light that on fire. Take a bath and let the water wash away what you need to release. Lay on earth and imagine the ground taking from you what you need to let go of and replacing it what something you need. The more we can invite in emotions through intentional practices, the less likely they will build up and ambush us later.
Connect: Take time to connect with your loved one. When you are decorating a tree or lighting a candle, think of them, say what you would want to tell them out loud, and send them your love. You can also connect in so many beautiful ways to the parts of them that live inside of you by letting what they taught you about yourself, or the world, be expressed through you. These can come of the form of acts of kindness or planning a trip you would imagine they would have loved to have joined or heard about later. Write them a letter and share with them updates about your life and what they have missed. The parts inside of you, that only came out when they were around, deserve to continue to live on.
Photo by D A V I D S O N L U N A on Unsplash
Boundaries: Your needs during the holidays may look different after losing a loved one. It’s okay to set new limits on time, energy, and money. You might not know what these new limits look like, so giving yourself permission to change your mind about holiday plans is also necessary. Your loved ones will not be able to anticipate what these are for you. So, the more you communicate your needs, the less alone you will feel in your grief. This may also be an important time to let go of some traditions that no longer serve you and build new traditions.
Grief is a very full emotion, but it is also a relationship. Therefore, grief doesn’t disappear after a certain amount of time. It’s something that evolves and presents itself in a multitude of ways as time passes. So be patient with yourself as you move through the holiday season.
“What if we don’t have to be healed to be whole.”